University Life Gifts

'Professor, Professor, the slaves are, I mean, the PhD students are revolting!'

Report on Plagiarism - 'You've copied all this off the internet...'

'Today: The collective unconscious...'

"My first choice college should have lots of closet space."

"I wish my Dad would get off my back! It's only been nine years and he wants to know if I've picked a major yet!"

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

College: 'We do not discriminate on the basis of race, age, sex, or religion. Students must simply be able to afford $20,000 tuition per year.'

'I love our lunches out here, but I always get the feeling that we're being watched.'

He's got 'I'm in grant renewal heaven' all over him.

'Dad, I don't qualify for financial aid, but the dean offered to find you a second job!'

Department of Archaeology Floor Plan

'Hold on a minute. Someone stole my pen.'

'In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of tenure.'

'I like the history professor but I think he's mired in the past.'

MA Certificate - Master of Alcohol.

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

'At this point, I'm taking it one paradigm at a time.'

'I read your college application essay. First of all, the word 'college' has to 'L's'.'

'Academic freedom doesn't mean you're free not to study.'

Trouble at med school - "Gosh, it's already my third day and I'm still sober."

Congratulations, and thanks for the $86,000... Congratulations, and thanks for the $86,000...

Are you sure this is the best way to fill the endowed chair?

"Do you have this grant in a bigger size?"

I tried to take eighteen credits.

Publish or Perish: 'Welcome to the Team. Remember, if you follow the University Motto, you'll do fine...'

Summa cum latte.

Campus Map

"Professor, we need you to stop. The Student Union has decided that the earth is flat."

Ethical studies: 'No thanks, I;m doing law.'

'Thirty years in academia and all I got was this chair.'

'I haven't been in any academic journals but I do get my Tweets re-Tweeted a lot.'

The Lecture.

'Nine years of college for this?'

"He's a nice young man, but are you sure he's an M.B.A.?"

'Okay, okay. Rolling, you can be the assistant Directing Chairman. Smith, you'll be the Resident Vice-Chancellor Emeritus. And Rothstein, you're the Head Executive Supervising Associate Dean. Settled?'