University Gifts

"Graduates, faculty, parents, creditors..."

"In closing, let me tell you that never in the universe have I spoken before such an attentive audience."

'I want to go out of town so that I can become a fully independent person, but near enough so that I can bring my laundry home.'

"And then after high school, I spent twelve years in college and majored in procrastination."

"Room, board, books, and tuition--I draw the line at corkage fees."

'Because when you're old and lonely, you'll get mail from your alumni association. That's why you need to graduate from college.'

Trust

'That reminds me. We have a faculty meeting this afternoon.'

'Dear, we're concerned with your college curriculum. How will you pay off your student debt with a liberal arts degree?'

'I'm sorry, but we simply can't allow you to graduate. Your coursework is complete, and your grades are exemplary, but you apparently failed to attend the group icebreakers during freshman orientation week... which as you know, were mandatory.'

Someone is Out There Watching.

College kid rakes up his clothes on the floor in messy dorm room

Micklebar knew more about something than anyone else, but he's forgotten what it is.

"Mum, Dad, I've decided to go to University. I want to party for 5 years before I start work"

We like to show the endowment to newly tenured professors.

"Now that my college of choice no longer requires the SAT, I'm relying more than ever on grade inflation."

"Remember, son, no matter what happens to you, we intend to always keep your room at home exactly as it is right now...empty."

Brown - But My First Choice Was Yale.

Roads for Graduates

'I'm enrolling in an online course to learn how to apply for a loan for an online university.'

'You will now be presented with your degrees. That is, of course, after you jump through another one of our little hoops.'

Ticking the right boxes.

'It's outrageous - they don't want to be proper students like us at all - they come here to work!'

Is my old room ready? It will be nice to take a few years off and rest up!'

Law student at interview, "I've got two c's and a b pending appeal."

'Professor Horvath's 'Intro to Existentialism' lecture was famously concise.'

"I'm majoring in undiscovered eastern religions with a minor in underwater basket weaving, I am hoping to get a job as a government economist when I graduate."

"We just want you to know that wherever you wind up going to college is fine with us, as long as it's someplace we can brag about to our friends."

'Real world' personnel abount to burst US college inflated grades

'You have failed on all counts...'

'So, in college what did you major in' - 'Business poetry.'

"I get the feeling he'll be a student here for a very long time."

"As it turns out, we have an opening at one of our small branch campuses."

'Anyway, I'm off to uni now Dorothy, catch you later babe!!'

"About these experiements of yours into genetic cloning, Bond" boomed the Headmaster, "They must cease immediately"