Unique Excuses Aficionado Pillows

'I didn't come to work yesterday because Tuesday is the new Monday.'

"Honey, I can't go to the gym today. I feel too out-of-shape."

"Of course, I'm perfectly willing to pay my income tax, but I stayed home all day on the fifteenth, and nobody came."

"Dammit, Higgins, we don't need simple explanations, we need complicated excuses!"

Bob tries to get off on a technicality.

"I'm good enough at making excuses that I don't have to be good at anything else!"

'A cyber-terrorist stole my homework. I have a note from the CIA. '

"My dog ate my homework. Then the backup files were hacked by Russians."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

'There's a Mr Tilbin here to see you sir. Shall I tell him you're on the phone, in a meeting, or out of the office?'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

Adult Absence Notes.

"I have to cancel our plans. I feel a headache coming on."

'Your homework got washed away with your house! A likely story young man! See me after class!'

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

"Of course I'm sorry for whatever it is I'm supposed to have done."

"My dad ate my homework."

'You always say you'll do things tomorrow. . . but you never do.'

"Sorry I'm late, I've brought cappuccinos for everyone."

"For your information, officer, I was not ‘texting’ – I was reviewing candidate applications for fellowship grants!"

'Boy, am I hungry. Alll I've had to eat today is some homework!'

'Sorry I'm late. I woke up on my back, and you know how turtles are.'

"I put catnip on my homework. I think he'll eat it!"

"I can't help the fact he's fallen in love with the barmaids poodle."

'Not tonight, Rodney - I have to delete e-mails.'

Booger-Boy Scandal 4: 'I just need to craft the text well enough to shut everyone up. . . I sincerely wish they'd all shut up and go away.'

"I'm all out of answers! Get me my book of excuses!"

"I have bad knees."

The 1 Minute Scape Goat.

"Of course failure is an option; I use it all the time!"

'If you're not sorry then I'm not sorry. . .but if you're sorry then I'm sorry.'

'Can you stop giving me homework, Miss...My dog's putting on weight.'

"To think our very existence hinges on your bloody headache!"