Unfit Parent Gifts

"On the other hand, Timmy. Fear of failure has kept daddy from ever being seriously injured."

"It's a postmodern mosaic, almost lyrical in its undercurrent." "My five-year-old will be happy to hear that."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

'Are we there yet?'

'The school. My counselor told me to make the most of it...'

'Oh dear. He's got my eyes.'

'Is THIS the way you plan to spend your peak learning years?'

Mother threatening to gag her baby.

"I don't care why you crossed the road! I do care however about "how" you crossed the road: without checking for cars first!"

"Where's your nose?"

First Steps

"I'll bet she was worn out by the end of teacher's meeting day."

'That one's going to be a klutz.'

Man walking a dog is passed by a runner carrying a baby on her hip.

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

'Honey...you're spoiling that child.'

'Dad, are you sure this is building the right muscles for football?'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"Look. He's just created his first text output object."

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

"Just the galoshes and coat, Timmy."

"Do you actually trust that thing?"

License, registration, and some I.D. for the small child watching what appears to be a completely inappropriate PG-13 movie in the back.

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'Man pushing pram with baby.'

'Can you do the dishes, love. I'll do the school run.'

"When I said you could use other materials with the sand, I was thinking shells and driftwood."

"I'll explain later."

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'