Twist Comedian Gifts

'That is really sick John.'

"What are you looking at, four eyes?"

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

"Hang on a tick, lads, what have we here?"

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

'Let him go. We'll catch him in the backstretch. Hippos can run faster than humans, but only in short bursts.'

Plant Closed - Downsized Too Far

Monet At Open Mic Night

A dead Olive found stabbed, in a Cocktail drink

'What are you implying?'

Funeral for a Cartoonist

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

"Hold on, one more thing to go."

'Want a good read Sex, violence, incest, murder Old Testament.'

'Hey, he's just some guy from the neighborhood -- and you know what Chicago neighborhoods are like!'

Ye Olde FIgure-Drawing Classe

Canadian wildfires

"On the plus side, it's nice to be doing something together."

'Have you heard about the origami shop?'

Genetically Modified Apples

Can You Dance?