Twist Comedian Gifts

'That is really sick John.'

"What are you looking at, four eyes?"

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

"Hang on a tick, lads, what have we here?"

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

'If they don't laugh, we'll say it's art.'

'Let him go. We'll catch him in the backstretch. Hippos can run faster than humans, but only in short bursts.'

Plant Closed - Downsized Too Far

Med. Soc Sec. Can we agree on anything to reduce the deficit other than a bake sale?

Monet At Open Mic Night

A dead Olive found stabbed, in a Cocktail drink

Eat your salad. Blurg! Now! Quick! Put it into my bag! Finito. Mother! You've started up your compost pile, haven't you? You make it sound so rotten!

'What are you implying?'

'Hey, he's just some guy from the neighborhood -- and you know what Chicago neighborhoods are like!'

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

"Hold on, one more thing to go."

'Want a good read Sex, violence, incest, murder Old Testament.'

Funeral for a Cartoonist

'Jill, come take a look at Mr. Bolinder's EKG!'

Ye Olde FIgure-Drawing Classe

Canadian wildfires

"On the plus side, it's nice to be doing something together."

Pick your own fruit - Pick your own nose

'Have you heard about the origami shop?'