Cross-cultural Comedian Gifts

"We don't have knock-knock jokes on Christmas."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

'I can't pronounce either his name or the out-sourced country where he works.'

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

"The next time you have an 'emergency', have it on the roof like every other self-respecting bird!"

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

'Hello, this is your captain speaking... I'm on the next flight!'

Monet At Open Mic Night

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

Japa-knees

Jenkins discovers the dark underworld of palindrome chatrooms.

Funeral for a Cartoonist

Keister Island

'Jill, come take a look at Mr. Bolinder's EKG!'

Ye Olde FIgure-Drawing Classe

Canadian wildfires

When worlds collide...

Pick your own fruit - Pick your own nose

'Don't you mean rubbish; we're in England!'

Uri Geller's cutlery drawer. All of the spoons in the drawer a bent.

'It's the law of the puszta, son. Them tripping on a banana skin, that's funny. Us tripping on a banana skin, that's a conspiracy!'

'Scottish Arts Council? I'm looking for sponsorship to help me sit through a performance of Gotterdammerung.'

"Your lives will continue to stink until you find your center."

"OK so - this might sound kinda crazy - but what do you think of me peeing on you?"

"Oh man, I knew I shouldn't have nibbled those mushrooms."

'Are you paying attention Eurasia?' 'Sorry, I was drifting.'

"I'm hoping that once we enter the Bronze Age I'll be able to get a better likeness of you."

"Do you always have to over pack, Alice!"

'Well it was his request to be burried in a flat-pack coffin.'

The leatherhosen thief strikes again!

"Hey little buddy, let's team up and save the world...Then we'll have pizza, you ever tried pepperoni pizza?"