Twisted Humorists Gifts

"What are you looking at, four eyes?"

"Here we are."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

One of Dracula's 'coffin mournings'.

"Hang on a tick, lads, what have we here?"

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

Newton discovers surrealism

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

Plant Closed - Downsized Too Far

A dead Olive found stabbed, in a Cocktail drink

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

'I think you're mistaking me for my twin sister.'

"Am I seeing double? You and your twin are the experts, why don't you two tell me!"

Robot porn.

'Now where did I put my knitting needles?'

"Is that my skirt?!!"

Eggs That Were Anagarms In Past Lives -'Unscramble Me'.

'Want a good read Sex, violence, incest, murder Old Testament.'

New Belief Systems

'Hey, he's just some guy from the neighborhood -- and you know what Chicago neighborhoods are like!'

Fauna Hybrids

'Sorry, but my liability insurance no longer allows me to grant that wish.'

Sign on shop: Headquarters: 'Business People for Peace'. Man walks out of shop wearing t-shirt with slogan 'Make money not war'.

"This next arrow should shake things up a bit!"

"On the plus side, it's nice to be doing something together."