Twisted Humorists Gifts

"What are you looking at, four eyes?"

"Here we are."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

One of Dracula's 'coffin mournings'.

"Hang on a tick, lads, what have we here?"

"Daddy, can I have a pony killed?"

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

Newton discovers surrealism

Plant Closed - Downsized Too Far

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

A dead Olive found stabbed, in a Cocktail drink

Med. Soc Sec. Can we agree on anything to reduce the deficit other than a bake sale?

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

'This is a first Mr Cowbird. You've contracted mad cow disase and the bird flu!'

"Am I seeing double? You and your twin are the experts, why don't you two tell me!"

'I think you're mistaking me for my twin sister.'

'Now where did I put my knitting needles?'

Robot porn.

Fauna Hybrids

"Is that my skirt?!!"

Eggs That Were Anagarms In Past Lives -'Unscramble Me'.

'Hey, he's just some guy from the neighborhood -- and you know what Chicago neighborhoods are like!'

New Belief Systems

'Want a good read Sex, violence, incest, murder Old Testament.'

Online articles are fine, but I miss being annoyed by the fragrance sample cards in print magazines.

'Sorry, but my liability insurance no longer allows me to grant that wish.'

Sign on shop: Headquarters: 'Business People for Peace'. Man walks out of shop wearing t-shirt with slogan 'Make money not war'.

'Did you know that your lips move when you paint?'