Twin Humorist Gifts

'I think you're mistaking me for my twin sister.'

"Am I seeing double? You and your twin are the experts, why don't you two tell me!"

"What are you looking at, four eyes?"

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

"And there we have it, gentlemen! The first full face transplant swap of twins."

'Act your shoe size, not your age.'

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

"You're the only one in this department who has survived the staff cuts. I can only advise you to do your job well, otherwise I'll have to fire you too, got that?"

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

'I don't like the look of yours...'

'What do you want that for? You're already going nowhere fast.'

Fauna Hybrids

'Mom says she has a souffle in the oven - Does that mean I'm going to have a baby brother?'

"Wonderful! The back of my head looks exactly like the back of George Clooney's head."

"At this point, we're only staying together for the sake of the pets."

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

"You'd better switch off your personal alarm I don't want to to disturb your parents."

'The man at the beer store said this ale is made without any harmful chemicals, so I added some myself.'

"You look good in that."

"I knew you'd like this place."

Perks of self-employment.

"It's your work. Are you still sick or what?"

'Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake.'

"You remind me of someone. Oh, yeah, him"

'Frankly, I think you've got a cheek asking me if you're the fairest of them all.'

"Trust me, anyone who reads this 300,000 years from now will thank me."

Computamatch.

'Do the patches help?'

The world's #1 motivational speaker

Instant Copy Center

"Happy Birthday, dear. Remember. . . it's the thought that counts!"

"Congratulations - you're twins!"