Humorist With A Twist Gifts

'When you said this was an eye examination for Macular Degeneration, I didn't think you meant an actual exam!'

'Just the one, thanks.'

Plant Closed - Downsized Too Far

"We pay top dollar here at hell hole high."

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'Hey, he's just some guy from the neighborhood -- and you know what Chicago neighborhoods are like!'

'I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals - I'm a vegetarin because I hate plants.'

'...God is recalling all mankind...'

'I don't know. . . Nobody has ever requested a doggy bag before. . .'

'Want a good read Sex, violence, incest, murder Old Testament.'

Witch Rowing Team

A belch of boils

A dead Olive found stabbed, in a Cocktail drink

Genetically Modified Apples

Med. Soc Sec. Can we agree on anything to reduce the deficit other than a bake sale?

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

The Sharpest thing there is: Christ's Pocket Knife

"First, let me say how much I appreciate your 6-foot social distancing."

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

Honest Vending

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"