Humorist With A Dark Twist Gifts

'Yes, the old lady left me all her worldly wealth. But what I really wanted was her liver.'

Count Dracula discovered a mirror was of no use in his self-portrait attempt.

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

Tim Burton

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

Vampire coming out of a body piercing shop with a stake in his heart

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

300 cows in a field...grazing!