Humorist With A Twist Pillows

'When you said this was an eye examination for Macular Degeneration, I didn't think you meant an actual exam!'

'Just the one, thanks.'

Plant Closed - Downsized Too Far

"We pay top dollar here at hell hole high."

"If there is a heaven, why do we end up as fossil fuel?"

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'Hey, he's just some guy from the neighborhood -- and you know what Chicago neighborhoods are like!'

'I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals - I'm a vegetarin because I hate plants.'

'...God is recalling all mankind...'

'I don't know. . . Nobody has ever requested a doggy bag before. . .'

'Want a good read Sex, violence, incest, murder Old Testament.'

Witch Rowing Team

A belch of boils

A dead Olive found stabbed, in a Cocktail drink

Genetically Modified Apples

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

The Sharpest thing there is: Christ's Pocket Knife

"First, let me say how much I appreciate your 6-foot social distancing."

"I think, therefore I am depressed."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Honest Vending

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'