Turning 35 Gifts

"She said she's looking forward to her 35th but she should be looking back on it..."

"I feel like such a failure...I'm almost thirty five and I should be on husband number two, and starting my third career choice by now!"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Your contents have shifted."

Middle-Age Superheroes

'Well, Tommy, you've grown a foot since the last time I saw you!'

Pinocchio's Second Realization

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

Gary turns 40.

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

Inside One's Memory Bank

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

"No, son, you’re not ‘M for Mature.’"

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

"You're in perfect health and look half your age – I'm prescribing something to help you shut up about it."

'You can stick your filthy shell. I'm listening to the Arctic Monkeys.'

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"Quick, I need a drink. Someone just called me Ma'am."

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

"Go ahead. Fly through it. I dare you."

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

'Teens are like trees, you can chart their growth by the number of rings.'

A member of a very populous consumer group attempts to go shopping...

"It's really quite simple: Shave off the soul patch and the car is yours."

Ed's receding hairline!

The Gingerbread Man Hits 50.

'When I turned 18 something started happening to me every month. I started receiving a credit card bill.'

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

"Can you hurry up with the cake? I have to travel the world, have a career and start a family"

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'Dad, I know all about the birds and the bees; explain stock-swaps and derivatives.'

'Many Happy Redundan... HA! RETURNS of the day, Mackay.'

"Well, I've come this close to asking out Sylvia Sanchez. But I'm just an average guy! Nothing about me says 'I'm cool! Look at me!'"