Turf Whisperer Gifts

Greener grass.

Speed Dating for Turtles

I hate deer! What do you have to repel them? They're awful. I've got fences. Sprays. Decoys. Tree's Tree Nursery. I'll takes these. Anything to get rid of the varmints. Ring him up, Twig. I don't know why you are so down on deer. They've been very good to you! Anti-deer.

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

The Gardener's Calendar: Try to Repair It...

"Ed's tree hugging was out of control."

Sale! Weed Whackers

'Now it fits.'

"Do you have any knitting patterns for somebody who can only count to five?"

'I told him not to wear stretchy pants to dinner.'

'Hey, are you like me? Do you hate mowing around trees? ell, then THIS is the machine for you!'

Planting veggies

"Wheeeeeeeeeee!"

"It wasn't a farming accident. She just bit my head off again."

'Do I remember pre-decimal coinage?I remember pre-Tudor coinage!'

"They play union in heaven... where do they play football?"

'So, how much to remove this ugly old tree? $1750. It's not THAT ugly.'

Unbeknownst to many, the Frankenstein legend was in fact based on Albert Grimes, the mad tree surgeon.

Naughty grass, go to sleep! It's pasture bed time!

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

Bonsai Exhibit

"Let me through - I'm a bonsai tree surgeon."

'I think they're the best crop circles you've ever done!'

Clouds

Cow talking to cat up a tree.

'I don't know who he is...but he roto-tilled my entire yard and never even stopped to let me thank him!'

Hanukkah tree

'Don't get me wrong. I like the hugs, but I could really use a kiss once in a while.'

'The good news is I just dethatched the lawn. The bad news is the lawn was nothing but thatch. . .'

"This lawnmower is a real time saver. After pushing it around for an hour, I forget about all the ambitious landscaping plans I thought up over winter."

Grass saying: mow me/feed me/weed me/roll me.

Two men driving truck that says, 'Tree surgeons without borders'.

"I #*#*#* hate gardening, I'd much rather be at work!!"

'Its a dogwood tree. I can tell by its bark.'

A psychic mows the lawn.