Tudor Period Gifts

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Crown Jewels

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

William Shakespeare

Thomas Cranmer

"All other letters have been disallowed."

A rare picture of Henry VIII's divorce lawyer.

Thor's Other Tools

Lady Jane Grey

'Anne Boleyn now regrets avoiding that Prenup Chit Chat with King Henry.'

"It took years of vocal training, but I now have a vocal range from squeaky right down to tenor..."

Edmund Spenser

Simplified Tax Plans

Elizabeth I

Executioner with golf bag full of axes

"It's from Henry VIII, sire. He's going to be in town and wants to know where the best hook-up spots are."

"We've got a new customer, Eddy: run a couple of kegs over to the Supreme Court."

"Nap time for the senate babies"

"Remind me again, did the President say that or was it the Kardashians?"

'Brain eating zombies attacked your economic advisers!...The zombies starved to death.'

Americana Mall

'Forget about the Holy Grail for now - I want you to look for weapons of mass destruction.'

"It's too late to give a tax cut to the rich, Sire -- They're all poor now."

"I'm failing 16th century British History, so now I have to get a Tudor."

Summon King Henry's bugle teacher! Bring on the Tudor Tooter Tutor!

Henry VIII

Thomas Wolsey

'Having demonstrated his total lack of leadership skills, Netherby is leaving to head up a federal agency.'

'Books: Bill's Memoirs, Hillary's Memoirs.'

"Swipe left." Henry VIII

"You can't send us a check and expect me to forget the killing. I also want a Trump Hotel in Saudi Arabia."

Hammer of God

"I know how you feel."

1588: Queen Elizabeth I returns from her holidays

Queen Elizabeth I

Henry VIII