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"Anything you say can be used in a very exciting new true-crime podcast we're working on."

"Well, we've learned one thing from all this ? burglars shouldn't keep diaries."

'This is a textbook case of homicide.'

'If you are going to be a CSI, you can't say yuck at everything you see!'

Mob school.

Finally, Dr. Death cracked and agreed to write out a full confession. Unfortunately, no one could read his writing, so they had to let him go.

"We can't go back to my place the cops are digging up the basement."

Knife Crime Data Collection - 'How many people have you stabbed this week?'

Perpetrator of a daring daylight illegal electronic transfer of funds fleeing the scene of the crime.

'Off hand, I'd say it's a head trauma caused by a blunt instrument.'

"I know it's the right thing to do, but if we call the cops this sandbox will be tied up for weeks."

"If it's any help, your sentence was the most e-mailed story of the week."

"Perhaps I've said too much."

"There's so much evidence we should put some aside for a different case."

'Maybe you can find your mugger in this book of mug shots, or as we call it, 'Criminal Facebook.''

Woman who thinks a man is following her

'He appears to have been stabbed with a screwdriver, a pair of scissors, a corkscrew and a bottle opener... Looks like the killer used a Swiss army knife.'

'Hi, Honey, I'm homicide...'

"You keep saying that you're a changed man, but if you do get that parole how can I know for sure you won't go back to robbing banks?"

"9-1-1, I'd like to report a great idea for a podcast."

Gangster Real Estate

Man on left - 'Turns out your boss IS the one who...' Man on right - 'WHOA, not in here man! These walls have ears.'

"...And I'm sentencing you to two additional years because your book about the crime was plagiarised."

'Drive! Let's not push our luck by going back for the free calendars.'

"Looks like they're not gonna make this heist easy for us."

"Stick around, pal. If paint samples from your wall match those found on the body on the sidewalk, we'll need to ask you a few more questions."

'And did Sir pack the case himself?'

'$10 and you're lucky to get that. This stuff was stolen from here last night.'

"I don't care how hot it is, Tom. What did I tell you about the sun-shade?"

'I'm doing 30 days for fiddling my expenses.'

The Gangsters.

'After being in burglary ten years, I can't sleep at night.'

'What do we do with the ones exonerated by a new DNA test?'

Another snitch falls victim to the patient whimsy of the Russian mafia.

"Remember, it could spoil the whole evening if you mention the smell of decomposing flesh coming from their basement."