True Crime Lover T-Shirts

'A free plastic toy, cornflakes scattered around the victim... Yep, it looks like our cereal killer alright!'

'I don't know what happened. One minute she's spooning me. The next minute I'm knifing her.'

"Longtime listeners, first-time callers."

"With the knees, fellas, lift with the knees."

USA calls to extradite Chapo Guzman

"His tattoos confessed."

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

I understand that our cat Magus died. I miss her a lot. But I wish my parents wouldn't tiptoe around it. House of Java.net Cybercafe. You don't have to watch Youtube clips of CSI: Miami to understand that death is a part of life. The thing I don't understand about our cat's death is, who would've killed her and left a mountain of unresolved clues that only a crack forensics team can figure out? Where were you at 8:45 p.m.? The Youtube Generation grows up fast.

"True crime meets reality TV"

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

Truman Capote

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

'During the break, my client stole my wallet.'

'I don't know officer: They all look alike to me...'

"I'm not leading the witness; I'm winding up my segment on heinous crimes!"

"Then leave the horses head in the Futon." Middle-class mafia

"Why not stay with your mother and me? The Feds will never find you here."

Mafia Short-Term Memory Clinic. 'Fuhgettaboutit.'

"A major crime publisher is interested in publishing your homework!"

'It's heartbreaking to see Reynolds in trouble for fraud again, but I always look forward to his rooftop chases.'

"You think you're gonna whack me and this will be over?"

Madoff and devil.

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

"Damn it—I told them I was too well known for undercover work!"

Newton's Law and Order.

"Undiagnosed serial killer"

"By Ned, you're right, inspector—the body has been moved."

Fish mobsters.

"Paper or plastic?"

"I did, boss, I swear, I buried him myself."

'Looks like the victim was trying to tell us something,'