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"No, I can't explain it. He was alive when I buried him."

"I know he cheated on me because of his childhood abuse, but I shot him because of mine."

Convict says: ' I got involved with mortgage fraud ... just as the market started to fall.'

'I'd be a free man today if it weren't for all the witnesses, the evidence and my confession.'

The Investigation

'Our top story: Biker gang member wins release on bail. In other news, 15 witnesses develop amnesia.'

'Very Organised Crime.'

'Seriously, not a single fingerprint?!'

"A major crime publisher is interested in publishing your homework!"

Cufflinks + Handcuffs = Embezzlement

"Please read back that last remark in a more murdery voice."

"We searched the entire apartment – the four walk-in closets, the decorator powder room, the sunny eat-in kitchen, the whirlpool bath, the room-sized entry gallery – but he must have gone out through the leaded floor-to-ceiling windows onto the sundeck and escaped through the state-of-the-art fitness center."

"Of course I got rid of the body. Don't you follow me on Twitter?"

"Got 'im, got 'im, need 'im, need 'im... "

"Sure, it looks clean, but believe me, right out of camera view it's a mess!"

'So, uh, how much is it to store a self?'

'Gee... Nothing says 'I'm dead' like a severed head.'

"I want to kill my parents and sell the film rights."

'Tell us how the big guy really finances this free toy give away scam and we might be willing to cut you a deal.'

'For the hundredth time, it's, 'Hand over your wallet.' It ain't that complicated.'

"Damn. No hat."

Ancient Egyptian crime scenes.

Burke and Hare are disappointed.

'Hold it! This cadaver has a footnote.'

"Next time you hold up a crowded store, don't wear a recognizable fragrance."

"Now, assisted suicide - that could be a growth area for us."

A man being taken to the Salt Lake City Courthouse wearing special handcuffs.

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

Staff picks

"Oh, so now I'm the bad guy."

"That's the problem with this business. It's always 'who have you whacked for me lately?'"

"It's sodium thiopental o'clock."

Sam Berkowitz (Son of Sam)

"It's just like that true crime podcast we listened to."

"I'm not sure how I feel either."