Trendy Healthcare Fan Gifts

"I love boutique healthcare! I have a great doctor on retainer and I get this great subscription box every month!"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

"You've got to learn to love yourself. Start by 'Friending' yourself on Facebook."

DIY marriage counseling.

Relationship Rating: His and Hers

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

"Have you tried sitting in a box?"

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but we're not MAGICIANS!"

'We need to try to regress you beyond the last seven seconds...'

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

"With the redundancy and the divorce I'm struggling to remain Mr. Happy."

'The therapy did help your husband find his inner child, unfortunately his inner child is called Dwayne.'

Therapy for the cow dependent

'I have an expense account, but it's a joke.'

"How do you feel about turning over?"

'Dr Freud, this isn't comfortable. Why don't you sit on that chair?' 'That's not a bad idea.'

'If that doesn't work, nothing will.'

J. Greeble, MD: Practice limited to simple, straightforward, old-fashioned diseases.

"I wouldn't worry about it, in your case, the superiority complex just goes with this territory."

'I don't know what it is, doc. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.'

'I keep having these flashbacks.'

Short Term Memory Loss Support Group: 'Good evening. You're probably all wondering why you just walked into this room.'

Soccer Ball - "I'm sick and tired of being kicked around all the time."

Sewing Machines in Surgery

'...And when I asked my parents if I was adopted, they said 'not yet.''

"Try taking baby steps."

Flying NHS Walk-in Centre

Freak Accident Specialist

"My Harvard Medical Guide says if a wisdom tooth is infected, you may need antibiotics and possibly have the tooth pulled by an oral surgeon."

You're a sham, Al. In truth, I'm a mere shadow of my former sham, doctor. I was hoping you might help me get back to my old fake self.

"Oh, here's the problem. He's got a doohickey on his thingamabob."

Last chance for dream analysis.