Trendy Diets Pillows

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

"It's kohlrabi, the next hot vegetable."

La Table

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

All Natural Nothing

"Mom, I'm at work – let me call you back after I finish stocking milk for wealthy vegans who like beet juice in their meat alternatives so they can still get that bloody effect when cooking without guilt."

'So glad you could make our vegetarian BBQ.'

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

Queen of Quinoa

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell Thursday's gluten-free lasagna!"

"Our fresh seasonal hand-crafted brews contain a full serving of spring vegetables."

"Yuppies! There goes the hood!"

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

Happy Surrogate Thanksgiving

"Being vegan or vegetarian isn't enough anymore. From now on I will only cook stuff I stepped in on the sidewalk."

Spontaneous Kombucha

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"I always end up buying way more black-truffle honey than I intended."

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

"D'you remember caramel before it all became 'salted?'"

Child Sells Gluten Free Mudpies

Upper East Side Dog Park

"Can you reinvent the classic grilled cheese for me?"

I'd like a mocha almond vanilla latte...hold the coffee.

"Fridge-to-table"

"Nothing is organic, local or sustainable. Now, can we get started?"

Cinema with a salad bar in its lobby.

"Who's been nibbling at my kale house?"

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

'Bad news! More people are switching from red meat to fish!'

'It's one of those trendy 'warm salads,' with sausage, fried eggs, bacon and black pudding.'