Touchdown Dreamer Gifts

'OK, everybody, calm down,,,'

'This is the worst case of Superbowl fever I've ever seen!'

Sadie, you've got a lot of nerve making light of all the concussions suffered by football players. Stow it, meathead. By the way, I heard Eli Manning got a concussion last season. What? What?! Eli? My Honeybunch? He of the NFL's greatest rear?! I won't have it. The league must reform! Awesome. I still have to brain power to tell a provocative lie. Get it together, NFL or face my wrath!

It's true. Some days I feel like creating a miracle, and some days I just feel like helping a dude catch a touchdown pass.

'There goes a flag... could be a face-mask penalty.'

'Throw the ball! I can't hold them much longer - the defence shields are weakening!'

Punishment for the kicker.

Just as he was about to be annihilated, Dirk makes an amazing discovery,

"Football is too dangerous, Junior. Why not follow my footsteps in a safe sport - chasing investment yield?"

Football Fans

'He's gonna dunk on me. I just know it.'

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

'Dad, are you sure this is building the right muscles for football?'

"Let's do exactly what these pundits in the halftime report said we should do. If we lose, we'll blame them!"

'It's great that you want a career in football, Timothy, but don't you think being a striker would be more fun than being a goalpost.'

"Oh, wait. He's on their side."

'He's soccer mad! Ever since he did his first sums he's wanted to be a players' agent.'

"You're back! You're really back...!"

'My turn! Kick me next!!'

You guys aren't living up to your preseason hype!

Penalty

He had finally calculated that the Cubs would win the Series.

Friendly fire!

'Boy, I love pretending to be Jens Lehmann...Now I can go home to watch football on TV!'

"Why are you studying? Go outside and practice shooting three pointers, so you can ear big bucks like Steph Curry."

'Whoa! Don't try to be a hero. It's too late for Dan, but let this be a lesson...'

Football

Just sitting here kicking field goals (smiley face emoji)

'Get the stretcher! He's got a mole on his leg that looks a little funky!!'

'Your grandfather is a cautionary tale, son. He quit school early and pinned all his hopes on an NFL career. But in the end, he was never used in a single game.'

Head Coach, Offensive Coordinator, Post-Touchdown Choreographer

'Save some purrs for when I play quarterback for the Saints.'

'I wanna be a hockey goalkeeper.'

'Hey! This isn't a sold-out crowd! It's just a bunch of cartoon humps symbolizing a sold-out crowd!'