Tortured Artist Gifts

'Right so lets be clear, when you said my book was a turgid reworking of a sad collection of hackneyed ideas you actually meant that it was a groundbreaking work of originality and genius...'

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

"Fill me in so I can panic too."

"This next one is a typical blues number about exceeding your data plan limit, cracking your ipad screen, and losing your new ear buds."

Prisoner still life painting.

Congratulations! - You have been nominated for the Turner Prize...

"Wow, these are great cartoons! We have to let them go, and anyway, cartoonists are on the endangered species list..."

A Poet

"So you're the artist dating my daughter? I've seen your work...you MUST be starving."

Exhibition for Prisoners

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

"By the way, HarperCollins decided your book did not warrant publication."

"I spent locked out including my painting."

"You can file as a limited liability company in this State, but you'll be subject to a 'Not So Fast, Buddy' franchise fee."

A military officer daydreams

'She leaves before I finish her portrait.'

'I'm done doing inside jobs on the outside. I make more on the inside as an outsider artist.'

'This next song is about a close call and a near success. It's called The Grant that Got Away.'

"To be honest, nobody wants to buy your paintings... we need a promotional strategy! Cut off your ear in public!"

Jean Genet.

Brendan Behan.

'We would like you to accompany us to the station, sir!'

'"For the love of it" no longer accepted. Cash only'

"He's always had a fascination with the hard drinking,hard living writer,the tortured genius. It's an image he's tried to emulate. Unfortunately he's only ever managed the first two parts." "I can't <hic> feel my face."

'Golf was too frustrating, so Ed took up painting!'

"I know what I want to convey...but I can never seem to express it on canvas!"

"When you said every single one of us without exception, did you mean me too?"

Tattoo shop - "How may I hurt you?"

'What do you do for a living?'

Executioner with desk organisers labelled 'Cruel' and 'Unusual'.

Prison windows.

'Why don't we call ourselves chiropractors and charge people for our services?'

"My grant ran out"

"I see the art budget's been cut again."

Prisoner painting his ball and chain.