Tortured Novelist Soul Gifts

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"Counsel for prose is overruled. Poetry, you may continue."

"My novel is not a doorstop!"

"I don't care if it is itty-bitty. Turn it off!"

What would Charlotte Bronte do, she thought to herself.

"Careful. That house has a taser."

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

"I don't care if it's plant-based, you're creeping everyone out."

'Right so lets be clear, when you said my book was a turgid reworking of a sad collection of hackneyed ideas you actually meant that it was a groundbreaking work of originality and genius...'

"It only made sense for us to finally merge."

"If music is the food of love... I'm full."

"Not enough money is being spent on safety, so be careful."

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

"Wow, these are great cartoons! We have to let them go, and anyway, cartoonists are on the endangered species list..."

"It's such a nice day. Why don't you go outside and plagiarize something?"

A Poet

Writer Blinds Shakespeare in Shame.

John Galsworthy

Cover Design for E Dowson's 'The Pierrot of the Minute'

Gore Vidal

"On Monday, they will introduce a new office layout and you'll be near Judy, who isn't good at sharing her charger. . ."

"Sure, you can use the bathroom. But, you have to put your request in writing and send three copies to the personnel department."

"If global warming is a left wing plot... it's a very good one."

"I talked Vladi into skipping the transition to democracy in his country and just shooting straight over here with me."

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

WW100

Hook them with a crisis.

"I think that before we put the flat on AirBnb we should have moved out."

'Don't jump. It's a book publisher!'

"By the way, HarperCollins decided your book did not warrant publication."

'And finally, sir, would you like your burger flipped by a Ph.D. in Philosophy, History or English Literature?'

Leonard Cohen.

Hudson River Crouton

'Welcome aboard Todd. Let me introduce you to the rest of the crew.'