Tortured Artist Appreciator Gifts

"To be honest, nobody wants to buy your paintings... we need a promotional strategy! Cut off your ear in public!"

Brendan Behan.

"What the %@!!* is that?!" "Is that a leg? Wait—no, it's an arm. Wait—what?" "The frame is nice." "Whatever it is, it makes me miss Bob Ross." "Gasp!" "The intentionally lost Caravaggio"

"You'd think he hated music by the way he tortures it."

'Right so lets be clear, when you said my book was a turgid reworking of a sad collection of hackneyed ideas you actually meant that it was a groundbreaking work of originality and genius...'

'Magnolia, Michaelangelo, the ceiling was meant to be magnolia!'

A Poet

'Turn the other cheek, reverend.'

'Abstract art is supposed to look that way.' (A rather smarthy attitude in an art gallery)

'Normally, seafood is good for you.'

"Why are you always picking people who have pixellated heads?"

Democracy - or die!

"Dig deep! C'mon! You got this!"

"By the way, HarperCollins decided your book did not warrant publication."

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

'And here's the crown jewel of the collection. It's an '86, totally organic, and the UK Bag Manufacturers' Association rates it a 99.'

A man is looking at a sign saying Exhibition of art exhibition jargon.

Nicholas recognises the young lady unknown

'She leaves before I finish her portrait.'

A military officer daydreams

The harvest

'Abstract Expressionism? No, my son's bedroom!'

'Sit!'

Fly Mimes.

Jean Genet.

'We would like you to accompany us to the station, sir!'

Unnatural Beauty.

Renoir at Yuk Yuk's.

British Occupation of Peking-Opium Wars

"It's my masterpiece. My monument to the twentieth century."

'Well, actually I DO have a small tree growing out of my head!'

Germany-Russian Deal

Flamingo in a poncho

"Him? He's Superfluous-Man."

A Peek Inside the Monster Soda Factory