Top Ten King Gifts

'According to this list, this list is ranked #4 on the greatest lists of all time.'

"Have you read any of Shakespeare's plays?"

'Don't be silly- of course you're going into the family business!'

'You've made a powerful enemy'

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"The peasants are revolting Sire."

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

"'Conquer Spain'? 'Balance the budget'? 'Reform the justice system'? -- You call this a honey-do list?"

The Unhappy King

"I take it you got the lead in the school play."

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

'Not gruel, stupid! -- I said find the GRAIL!'

'Good news from the field, sire! Attila did not like the referee's call, so he's folding up his tents, taking his ball and going home!'

The Royal Wii

'Make him laugh, make him cry.'

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

The Birth of a Lawsuit

'Tommy's book reports are like no other.'

'I cut myself slashing the budget!'

Everybody forgot his jubilee.

Next, I recall looking down at myself and thinking, God, what a drama queen.

'Dubble Dawawg A.K.A. Diplo Matt A.K.A. Spyral A.K.A. Sheldon delman - noted rap artist'

'Could you scoot your chair over this way a little dear?'

'You can scratch your back when the war is over!'

(Mother Goose: playboy's Mirthful Master of the Macabre serves Up Some Strange Twists On a Clutch of Children's Classics.) "Is this supposed to be somebody's idea of a joke?"

"Music helps with maths... like which song got to number one... which song got to number two..."

A war would have been bad enough, but losing Alsace-Lorraine in a poker game?

'You might want to try another photographer, Sire. This one tends to cut the heads off.'

'Between you and me Wizard, is it true that you intellectuals have pointed heads?'

"Enemies, yes, but doesn't your moat also keep out love?"

"The peasants have lost all respect for the moat."

"If I had it all to do over again, I would have liked to be the King of Swing."