Tongue-in-cheek Philosophers Gifts

"The Lord works in mysterious ways and likes to be paid in small unmarked bills"

No-Work Orange

Nobody mourned Sir Dad-Joke.

'Don't worry boss, it's probably archaic!'

'Economic indicators are down, but cheer up! The history revisionists will turn this into 'the good old days'...'

'Marriage? With all your pre-existing conditions Reggie, my HMO would never approve of you'

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

'Great now put the company logo on the togas and make the building in back look like the Parthenon.'

'We need someone on the outside.'

"Hail to thee, blithe spirit!"

"I appreciate you asking for directions. But how reliable is 'Just follow your nose!' from a toucan?"

Husband / Wife / On The Side

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times, I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

The Three Doctors.

"The president wants me to stay on as unemployed."

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

Roman Golfer.

'On the plus side, you won't have to worry about me getting into an expensive college.'

'May I recommend the ketchup '06,sir?'

"Seriously...girls have their own language!"

"No Bald Games"

"I'm sorry you decided to leave us! I will really miss your wife at our company parties!"

Burke and Hare and Hare

"He decided to write a travel book..."

"It's a thongbird."

"I bet if it hadn't smoked, it'd still be alive."

"We've travelled the world looking for our next C.E.O., as was foretold in our corporate legends. We think your little Tim might be that C.E.O."

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

'Come on...you can't all have hayfever in the middle of winter.'

"Why feel bad? We do actually need to eat, and they'll never even know there was a twin."