Timid Investor Gifts

'How much are you currently worth? Good question, let's see. You mean, aside from the sentimental value?'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

"I've finally found a therapist who understands options."

"Basically it makes the same mistakes we've always made - but it makes tham so much faster!"

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

"We need a market icon that reflects the ridiculous market conditions..."

"I feel I'm doing fine. My sense of net worth is way up this quarter."

'I'm finally at one with the universe...but apparently that doesn't include the DOW.'

"Stocks edged lower on the news there's more to life than the accumulation of material things..."

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

The Stock Market.

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'He's so spoilt, he has his pocket money paid into a Swiss bank account.'

Animal worries.

'That's Renfrew -- he's in charge of high-risk portfolios.'

Investments: We have locally grown stocks.

Locally Grown Stocks, Farm Fresh CDs, Free Range Annuities.

"You should consider buying."

The last of the Mom and Pop brokerage houses

"I crunched the numbers until cautiously opportunistic."

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

'Do you mind if I take the rest of my session to get your input on investor psychology?'

'I wonder if I can increase its range?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

'...but the good new is your old Enron stock has become a high-priced collectible!'

'Finzter, our newest investment adviser, believes that money can make you happy.'

"Get rich slow"

Garage Sale: Assorted shares of stocks.

At The Clown Bank.