Fast-talking Investor Gifts

"Basically it makes the same mistakes we've always made - but it makes tham so much faster!"

"We need a market icon that reflects the ridiculous market conditions..."

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

You're right, boss, there may be too much idle chit-chat, but let me talk it over with my friends.

"He downgraded Apple."

'Oh, I HATE IT when he does that thing with his mouth...TALKING!'

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

'I actually look forward to hibernating during bull markets.'

'And then the bad man from the Securities and Exchange Commission and I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down!'

The Stock Market.

First Little Piggy Investment Associates

"Oh, just sitting back and letting algorithms do all the stock trading."

"My fitbit keeps track of my calories burned while I chase yield on my stocktrading app."

'I wonder if I can increase its range?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I don't know about you, Sam, but so far my clients aren't going for this cross between tradtional and online trading.'

'I can't take all the credit. My childhood imaginary friend picked a lot of my stocks.'

"It's your cat broker, Madame - he has a hot tip on a Siamese."

'This is better than magic beans, Jack. It's stock in the company that makes the magic beans.'

'How much are you currently worth? Good question, let's see. You mean, aside from the sentimental value?'

"This automated stock trading app can halt rallies or downturns, depending on your market strategy."

"How many investment apps will this get me?"

"Brick, Eh? Well, sorry to blow your house down but these days it's not wise to be so invested in stability."

Said Cohen? Who's askin? Someone who is about to make your dreams come true. Why? Are you gonna let me yell at you until you bleed? Caustic. Quick-witted just as Facebook led me to believe. What the heck are you talking about?!?! Nothing. Ready to experience pure joy? I'm ready to attack!!

'I should warn you - all our 'non-loaded' funds are alcohol free.'

'Your tests indicate that you have a very short attention span -- you should be either a short-order cook or a news anchorman.'

'Great. Now that I've got a better idea of your tolerance for risk, I have a few investments to recommend.'

'Can you be more specific? Are you pointing at IBM, IMCLONE, INTEL...?'

"As you know, Ed, my pockets are considerably deeper than yours. Therefore, in addition to my share I'll be needing a percentage of yours."

"Hold on, Ms. Goodwin. I'm checking with the algorithm that's managing your money."

"I have half an hour if you want someone to get sucked into your drama."

Financial advice books for boomers.