Investor With A Sense Of Humor Gifts

Beggar with sign - 'Sold on the first dip'.

'I'm terribly sorry. You can't adopt your stocks and you can't get them baptized.'

"He downgraded Apple."

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

The Contrarian funds

Investments.

"Do your thing, Phil...lull them into submission."

'In today's market news, losers outnumbered those who were wiped out.'

Stock Market Research and Analysis

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

Tonight's Topic. How To Make a Killing In The Stock Market. I made a killing in the market once, but the only casualty was my investment.

The New Square Mile Regulator.

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

Maybe it's time to stop giving our bones to a broker and start burying them in the backyard again.

First Little Piggy Investment Associates

Sale - All Junk Bonds 50% Off.

We live in turbulent times. Therefore I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks

Large cap funds

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'How do I know if it's seaworthy?'

'It's a glorious day over Wall Street today, with barely a 20 chance of the sky falling.'

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

'Eddie, politicians everywhere are kicking cans down the road, so maybe it's time to get in on the boom in tin.'

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

'I'm beginning to worry -- everything I've got is tied up in investment newsletters!'

Investor loses shirt in Eurozone meltdown.

"'Plummet' is such a harsh term, Mr. Dolan. We prefer to say priced 'below cost basis'."