Pun-loving Investor Gifts

Just in: Condolence cards for the small investor.

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

Do it yourself books.

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

"He downgraded Apple."

'I am on a diet! It's called the Wall Street diet. I invested in British Airways, and the first day I lost 500 pounds.'

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

"Yes, the market did advance this week, Rebecca, but we feel it's somewhat of a 'dead-cat bounce.'"

Escaping Black Hole - '..But captain that's the pensions black hole there is no escape!'

'Just this once, but I want a piece of the action.'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

A good executive is known by the company he keeps solvent.

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

At The Clown Bank.

'Well, call it 'diet stocks'. Your bank account won't get fat because of the dividend income.'

Calls of the Wild: Moose Call, Coyote Call and Margin Call.

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

"Although the collection plate appears to be half full, our accountant assures me that it is half empty."

'Your investments aren't under performing, they're just appreciation challenged.'

'This is what I call the ultimate in money laundering.'

'I'm rather rich actually, maybe it's because I always laugh all the way to the bank...'

"I'm sorry but here we have a strict policy about hiring anyone who's squirmish about investing"

'Let's not overreact. We're just in solvent, not bankrupt.'

'Activist investors are here to see you and they're wearing boxing gloves.'

'I just had to come over...You caught my eye.'

"Have you heard the term, 'dead cat bounce'?"

'Our shares are so low, they're all ended up in the Isles of Wight.'

'He made a lot of money investing in what he knew - dog biscuit and rawhide bone futures.'

Cat punishement.

I suggest shares in the music industry. Is that a sound investment?

"We're bringin' him in. Wiseguy here claims he didn't know a flight to safety for his stock portfolio requires a boarding pass."