Pun-loving Investor Pillows

Just in: Condolence cards for the small investor.

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

Do it yourself books.

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

"Your long-range investments would have made you a very wealthy man."

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

"He downgraded Apple."

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

Escaping Black Hole - '..But captain that's the pensions black hole there is no escape!'

"Yes, the market did advance this week, Rebecca, but we feel it's somewhat of a 'dead-cat bounce.'"

'Just this once, but I want a piece of the action.'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

A good executive is known by the company he keeps solvent.

'The action next week is going to be in bird seed, but if you quote me, I'll deny I said it.'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'Well, call it 'diet stocks'. Your bank account won't get fat because of the dividend income.'

At The Clown Bank.

Calls of the Wild: Moose Call, Coyote Call and Margin Call.

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

'A penny saved is a penny not stimulating the economy.'

"Although the collection plate appears to be half full, our accountant assures me that it is half empty."

'Your investments aren't under performing, they're just appreciation challenged.'

'This is what I call the ultimate in money laundering.'

'I'm rather rich actually, maybe it's because I always laugh all the way to the bank...'

"I'm sorry but here we have a strict policy about hiring anyone who's squirmish about investing"

'Let's not overreact. We're just in solvent, not bankrupt.'

'I just had to come over...You caught my eye.'

'Activist investors are here to see you and they're wearing boxing gloves.'

'Our shares are so low, they're all ended up in the Isles of Wight.'

Cat punishement.

"Have you heard the term, 'dead cat bounce'?"

'He made a lot of money investing in what he knew - dog biscuit and rawhide bone futures.'

I suggest shares in the music industry. Is that a sound investment?

"Let's give out a big dividend for Christmas...we'll call it stockholders' stuffers."

"We're bringin' him in. Wiseguy here claims he didn't know a flight to safety for his stock portfolio requires a boarding pass."