Times Readers Gifts

"I'd ask you up, Richard, but my roommates and I have a pretty strict 'no-"Times"-twits-in-seersucker' policy."

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"I don't care if it is itty-bitty. Turn it off!"

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

You know how Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are known as "Kimye," and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are known as "Branjelina"? I think we should combine "Lance" and "Gloria" into either "Lania" or "Glance." What do you think? I think I won't be needing a menu now, as I'll be busy gagging.

"This is no time for fightin', princess, there's a war on!"

"Now that you've won the Super Bowl what will you do next?"

"I've seen a tulip before."

"And what self respecting tabloid do you think is going to buy photos of Little Foot?"

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

"Yes dear, I know lots of people have a second honeymoon. But we only got back from our first one last week."

When Dogs Appear To Be Thinking.

"Are those my slippers?!"

Highlights for Adults

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."

"Have you consider the possibility that I don't want the paper?"

'She's the worst gossip I've ever come across.'

'Hand me the 'desperates'.'

"We'd love to stay longer, but we have to go. Give this to the tabloid press. It explains everything!"

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

"God has chosen to ignore my prayers concerning the outcome of this year's election, and so I feel that I am once again free to be a very bad little boy."

"Reverend John Ship performed the nuptials. Attorney Thomas Sims performed the prenuptials."

News and Magazines. New Economic Regulations. "New economic regulations" --- What do you suppose they are? "Come to a complete stop"?

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

Gossip columns: 'And rumour has it that singer, Kelli B is said to be in shock after finding out longtime boyfriend, actor Todd Korfull, has been having an affair with, now get this, KELLI'S agent!! YEEOUCH!...' A column talking

"Poor bastard. The New York 'Times' just panned his zinfandel."

'My mentor and role model was a frequent flyer.'

"Could you hold off clipping your coupons until I've finished reading the paper?"

Woman reading: 'How to look hot on the beach this summer.'

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'