Times Readers Gifts

"I'd ask you up, Richard, but my roommates and I have a pretty strict 'no-"Times"-twits-in-seersucker' policy."

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

"I don't care if it is itty-bitty. Turn it off!"

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"I've seen a tulip before."

"Now that you've won the Super Bowl what will you do next?"

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

"And what self respecting tabloid do you think is going to buy photos of Little Foot?"

"Yes dear, I know lots of people have a second honeymoon. But we only got back from our first one last week."

Highlights for Adults

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"Are those my slippers?!"

When Dogs Appear To Be Thinking.

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."

"Have you consider the possibility that I don't want the paper?"

'She's the worst gossip I've ever come across.'

Gossip columns: 'And rumour has it that singer, Kelli B is said to be in shock after finding out longtime boyfriend, actor Todd Korfull, has been having an affair with, now get this, KELLI'S agent!! YEEOUCH!...' A column talking

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

"We'd love to stay longer, but we have to go. Give this to the tabloid press. It explains everything!"

"Reverend John Ship performed the nuptials. Attorney Thomas Sims performed the prenuptials."

'Hand me the 'desperates'.'

"God has chosen to ignore my prayers concerning the outcome of this year's election, and so I feel that I am once again free to be a very bad little boy."

"Poor bastard. The New York 'Times' just panned his zinfandel."

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

'Nothing's happened today-read it dead slowly.'

'My mentor and role model was a frequent flyer.'

"Could you hold off clipping your coupons until I've finished reading the paper?"

Woman reading: 'How to look hot on the beach this summer.'

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'

"It took me a long time to teach him how to fetch a newspaper."