Tabloid Reader Gifts

'We're not intrusive - we keep a respectable distance.'

'She's the worst gossip I've ever come across.'

'It seems like a King should have more than FIFTEEN minutes of fame!'

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'

"This is no time for fightin', princess, there's a war on!"

"Obviously she was once a Disney starlet."

'Yuck too tacky for me, but. . . give me a ho when Paris Hilton's comes on.'

A caveman offers another a copy of, 'The Ug Issue'.

'Clown accused of being illegal gay Republican.'

Rebekah Brooks: Murdoch always said I would continue to go far!

Well if you can't beat them, join them!

'Do you swear to be faithless and hump everything with a pulse while she's not looking as long as you both need re-hab?'

'So you've won a few races: I still don't think you need worry about the paparazzi!'

"And what self respecting tabloid do you think is going to buy photos of Little Foot?"

News headline: stars without make-up!

"You'd have thought they'd have all slept with each other by now."

"Dang, Jennifer Lopez is, like, on her 93rd boyfriend! At this rate...she'll get to me in 13.3 years!"

"Well - I don't know what possessed her..."

"I didn't 'kiss and tell' until they offered me a book deal."

Infidelities in the Monarchies

"I see the royals are at it again."

"You're going to need a longer lens."

"Maps to the rehab facilities of the stars"

If you buy that magazine, the paparazzi win. Celebrity Couples.

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"Stop worrying about Madonna. She's probably just retooling for her next surge."

The Wall Street Tattler

"Ralph said he'd give up cigars if I gave up Prince Charles and Di."

Schadenfreude Monthly

The First Rule of Pig Night

Sally Jessy Raphael

You know how Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are known as "Kimye," and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are known as "Branjelina"? I think we should combine "Lance" and "Gloria" into either "Lania" or "Glance." What do you think? I think I won't be needing a menu now, as I'll be busy gagging.

Tabloid Times Headline Dept. The circus clown has measles on his toes! Bigfoot Spotted.

'Why, you scoundrel!'

'She hasn't sold a kiss-and-tell story to the tabloids.'