Those With A Sharp Wit Pillows

"When you take the oath don't worry. There's a lightning rod on the roof."

"Bed Spread"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'I made a good grade in creative writing, but I didn't do very well in creative spelling.'

Three card brag - I'm great! I'm really handsome & I'm very rich.

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

Greece Idyll

Looking Daggers

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

"Any chance of some credit?"

Acupuncture.

Build a better mousetrap and the IRS will beat a path to your door.

'I'm worried that my crippling anxiety is going to shorten my life.'

"My Dad told me not to make the same mistakes he did. That doesn't leave much left!"

'Ignore him - philosophers will do anything to attract attention.'

'You're sexy when your mind is somewhere else.'

Never judge a nose job at face value.

"I have half an hour if you want someone to get sucked into your drama."

Surgeon asking patient, 'Would you like this to go?'

You must be this tall to bump head on sign.

'My dad always told me, 'love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe'.'

"I happen."

"Is there a reason you haven't done any work?"

"If he's so smart, why does he have to sell his sperm?"

'It's all in how you look at it -- try thinking of yourself as the world's tallest short guy.'

To some people, having a head cold is the same as having an idea.

"Yep, I was the little runt you used to tease all the time! Guess what, I had a late growth spurt..."