Quick-witted Comedians Pillows

"I think these "smart pills" are overpriced."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

I just trained with my two sparring partners over there. A "boxed set"!

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

"Hey samson, nice man bun."

'The best gig I can get you for your comeback, Lazarus, is DJ in the graveyard slot.'

"The fact that I have multiple personalities and none of them are computer literate is depressing."

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

Newton discovers surrealism

"I had money problems- forged fivers the wrong colour!"

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

Gender Reveal

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

Memory Foam Mattress.

'This is a first Mr Cowbird. You've contracted mad cow disase and the bird flu!'

Robot porn.

Eggs That Were Anagarms In Past Lives -'Unscramble Me'.

'Is it just me or is a good man really that hard to find?'

Born Cynical,,,,

Online articles are fine, but I miss being annoyed by the fragrance sample cards in print magazines.

Bureau of alcohol, tobacco, firearms and other neat stuff.

Self-Help Books / Fixing Others.

"His schlock has gravitas."

Sign on shop: Headquarters: 'Business People for Peace'. Man walks out of shop wearing t-shirt with slogan 'Make money not war'.

"This next arrow should shake things up a bit!"

'And do we really need scarves for warmth? And what's with the stove top hats?!'

'-and to all you night owls out there...'

'You're sexy when your mind is somewhere else.'

...and we guarantee the passage of time for the life of the watch!

Rudy, do you remember when I experimented with genetically engineered produce? Yeah. And I created an enormous evil zucchini. Yep. Why? No reason. Do you have a 12-foot paring knife? Uh-oh. Huge carrot! Run!

"I don't care if all your friends like that. You go back and put on some more insulation, young lady!"

Seven Deadly Sins. Anger. Envy. Covetousness. Gluttony. Lust. Sloth. Pride. After you've successfully resisted the other six deadly sins, it's really hard not to be proud.