Fine Witticists Pillows

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

Sharp Eyes

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

"When you take the oath don't worry. There's a lightning rod on the roof."

Pressing Problem

Witty T-Shirt Guy

"It would never work out- we're from two totally different tiers of the upper middle class."

Frock Coat

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

"Why are you giving them whiskey?"

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

'My dad always told me, 'love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe'.'

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

"Do you realize that they pay our teacher to come to school every day and we do it for free?"

'He'll want you to try the Winelich maneuver first, instead of the Heimlich -- it brings up the food, but leaves the wine.'

"Yeah, we thought about having kids, but we didn't want to give up our lifestyle."

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

'Mommy and Daddy have taken care of the high cost of private school tuition. The rest is up to you.'

"If he's so smart, why does he have to sell his sperm?"

Life begins at forty? - That's when my arthritis kicked in.

'At $87,000, I'd say this comes from the artist's I'm-milking-this-for-all-I-can Period.'

The one thing about a queue is it keeps everyone in line.