Fine Witticists Pillows

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

Sharp Eyes

"When you take the oath don't worry. There's a lightning rod on the roof."

Frock Coat

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

Witty T-Shirt Guy

"It would never work out- we're from two totally different tiers of the upper middle class."

Pressing Problem

"You think you have it bad? I look like this and I don't know anything about technology."

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

"Why are you giving them whiskey?"

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

"Do you realize that they pay our teacher to come to school every day and we do it for free?"

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

'He'll want you to try the Winelich maneuver first, instead of the Heimlich -- it brings up the food, but leaves the wine.'

"Yeah, we thought about having kids, but we didn't want to give up our lifestyle."

'My dad always told me, 'love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe'.'

'Mommy and Daddy have taken care of the high cost of private school tuition. The rest is up to you.'

"If he's so smart, why does he have to sell his sperm?"

Life begins at forty? - That's when my arthritis kicked in.

'At $87,000, I'd say this comes from the artist's I'm-milking-this-for-all-I-can Period.'

The one thing about a queue is it keeps everyone in line.

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