Wine Witticist Pillows

'He'll want you to try the Winelich maneuver first, instead of the Heimlich -- it brings up the food, but leaves the wine.'

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

'I'm doing a wine tasting course, it's fascinating. . .'

"This wine tastes like a**....Bring me every bottle you have!"

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

'No, I can't remember the name of the wine, but it did come in a bottle about this tall, if that's any help.'

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

'Are you sure the recipe calls for a whole cup of good burgundy?'

'Who took the cork out of my lunch?'

Witty T-Shirt Guy

"May I see some ID, Madame? Haha, just kidding!"

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"Do you have a wine that tastes like beer?"

'I noticed your wine list only has reds and whites. Don't you have any yellow wines?'

Recreational and Medicinal Wines

"I'm getting earthy overtones of guilt, with just a hint of sexual frustration."

'Sir has made the most discerning choice to wash it down with Drain Glug.'

'You said you wanted a book on how to enjoy wine. This is the only 'book' you need.'

"At our age I figure we only have two taste buds left. One for vodka and one for wine."

"Why are you giving them whiskey?"

"Would sir like to try the wine. . . ?"

Advanced course at the Wine Appreciation Institute in my house.

"A cheeky little wine, would you agree?"

"Would you like an ice bucket with your Champagne?"

'You opened it five hours ago. If it breathes any more, it's going to hyperventilate.'

'How come your oldest vintage is on the top shelf?' 'I can't reach up there!'

'How wonderful, I've always wanted to meet a connoisseur of wines costing under £4.99 a bottle.'

"A whino!"