Wine Snob Witticist Pillows

"Despite the oaked tannins and lingering aftertaste, I don't think red pairs well with seal blubber."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"It better not be any of that over oaked chardonnay."

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

Every time you make a blend, somewhere, a wine maker dies.

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"I make it myself!"

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

Opening the Barrel

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

"Would madam like to sniff the resealable cap?"

Wine tasting

'Brand X, the wine for those with indiscriminate taste.'

'My husband will order the wine. He happens to be a graduate of the 3-Second Master of Wine program.'

"When a wine rates over ninety, this is not alcoholism."

"Pinot Noir, God's apology for White Zinfandel."

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

"House red, sir?"

'Who took the cork out of my lunch?'

"This family-owned boutique wine is produced from a single grape."

Wine: New & Old!!!

'Ahh, the '74 Amarone. Unfortunately, I can't sell it to you. There's no possible way you'd appreciate it.'

"It tastes and smells just like a glass of wine!"

"I had no idea Dom Perignon came with a screw top."

Prosecco Drinker

"I find a good cabernet is the best way to put my money where my mouth is."

"It's an unpretentious little wine!"

'Sorry, I only drink still wines. I don't have the patience to wait for bubbles to pop.'

"Wait. Let it breathe."

"What wine goes best with vodka?"

'Dear, of course no one can tell you what they think of the wine, you haven't told them how much it cost yet.'

"How much do you spend on a decent bottle of wine?"

"Yeah, he changed water into wine but it was nothing you'd want to lay down."

"I'm getting gnats, I'm getting cats, I'm getting dogs..."

"Waiter, this wine is corked!"