Wine Shop Witticist Pillows

'Non-alcohol beer? Aisle 6, keep sweeping dust till you hit 'em.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

'I'm doing a wine tasting course, it's fascinating. . .'

"This wine tastes like a**....Bring me every bottle you have!"

'No, I can't remember the name of the wine, but it did come in a bottle about this tall, if that's any help.'

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

"I've joined a wine-lovers club. . . so far there are only three members."

'Are you sure the recipe calls for a whole cup of good burgundy?'

'Who took the cork out of my lunch?'

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

"Wait. Let it breathe."

Witty T-Shirt Guy

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

"Nope, no need to smell the cork."

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"Do you have a wine that tastes like beer?"

Recreational and Medicinal Wines

"I'm getting earthy overtones of guilt, with just a hint of sexual frustration."

"Would sir like to try the wine. . . ?"

"It's disappointing, but if that's the biggest you've got ..."

'Sir has made the most discerning choice to wash it down with Drain Glug.'

'You said you wanted a book on how to enjoy wine. This is the only 'book' you need.'

"Why are you giving them whiskey?"

'I noticed your wine list only has reds and whites. Don't you have any yellow wines?'

"At our age I figure we only have two taste buds left. One for vodka and one for wine."

Advanced course at the Wine Appreciation Institute in my house.

'How wonderful, I've always wanted to meet a connoisseur of wines costing under £4.99 a bottle.'

'How come your oldest vintage is on the top shelf?' 'I can't reach up there!'

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

'You opened it five hours ago. If it breathes any more, it's going to hyperventilate.'

Waiter watering down wine

"A cheeky little wine, would you agree?"

'For future reference, just the bottle goes in the chiller.'

“This particular variety was incredibly full-bodied.”