Thirsty Comedian Gifts

'Water! Water! Scotch! Water!'

"Say Bernie, how come this little guy's been following you around all week?"

Teapot

"What if my inner demons want to write about bunnies?"

'The trick to scaring surfers is to only show your dorsal fin when you surface next to them...'

Of all the times for us to run in to team GB's Olympic synchronised swimming squad!

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"It's Olive isn't it?"

I don't care if you hate that word – I'm hangry.

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"Moses, remember commandment three."

'You go ahead. I just don't feel like drinking this afternoon ...'

I don't like it when lawyers put coffee on my desk. Relax, judge. It's tequila.

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

"To be fair - he DID say he was going to rearrange your face...!"

'Poland springs! Poland springs!'

'Our eyes met across a crowded room, and she called the cops.'

"Sean, are you teasing the seagulls again?"

Drinkers.

"His drink, the nut bowl and his bank account are all empty."

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

"I'm one of those vegetarians who eat meat."

"Who farted?"

Guy over there wants to know if he can buy you a chaser.

'I think I've got one, Doris!'

"How long have you been a compulsive eater of onions?"

Tommy, I have a question for you. I didn't do nothin'. We're missing a scone. Now, no one's accusing you of anything. I swear, you've got the wrong guy. I definitely didn't take a scone when you went to check email because I was super hungry. You have the right to remain silent. I did it!

'You remember earlier when kevin said there was nothing to eat.'

If you two don't keep the noise down, I'll have to separate you.

"Baldo, don't tell me that's what you're having for lunch."

"We'd like to substitute you for a waiter who'll write down our order."

Desert Island Slob.