Thirsty Comedian Pillows

'Water! Water! Scotch! Water!'

"Say Bernie, how come this little guy's been following you around all week?"

Teapot

'The trick to scaring surfers is to only show your dorsal fin when you surface next to them...'

"What if my inner demons want to write about bunnies?"

Of all the times for us to run in to team GB's Olympic synchronised swimming squad!

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"It's Olive isn't it?"

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

'You go ahead. I just don't feel like drinking this afternoon ...'

"Moses, remember commandment three."

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

"To be fair - he DID say he was going to rearrange your face...!"

'Our eyes met across a crowded room, and she called the cops.'

"Sean, are you teasing the seagulls again?"

Drinkers.

"His drink, the nut bowl and his bank account are all empty."

"I'm one of those vegetarians who eat meat."

"We'd like to substitute you for a waiter who'll write down our order."

"Who farted?"

'I think I've got one, Doris!'

'You remember earlier when kevin said there was nothing to eat.'

"How long have you been a compulsive eater of onions?"

Desert Island Slob.

"Baldo, don't tell me that's what you're having for lunch."

'Waiter there's a fly in my soup.' 'One moment Sir, I'll just fetch Mr Obama.'