Theological Comic Gifts

'You'll find loaves in the pantry and fishes in the freezer.'

"The Lord works in mysterious ways, I mean, alpacas? What are they? It’s like Bob Seger mated with a llama."

'It's not much of a soap opera with just that Adam guy.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'I can't stand his 'holier than thou' attitude.'

"At first, I was teaching Job a lesson, but now I'm just messing with him."

Priest with the Pet Devil.

"Blasphemy, yes, but it was funny."

'Great! So I'll run these by the focus groups and see how they go over.'

"Faith cannot be bought. We do, however, offer an attractive leasing option."

'I liked the loaves he gave out last week better. The ones with the little poppy seeds.'

"Hey, this is a good bit- did I say that?"

'The church offering was really down this week, we received three I.O.U.'s.'

"Let me see if I can get Him on speakerphone."

Beaten up man to Good Samaritan: 'Thank you. My insurance doesn't cover roadside service.'

'About this tithing business -- do You accept manna?'

Man on the way to Heaven worries about steps.

"Pastor Hellfire is recovering well, since he passed his brimstone."

"Tell you what, Mark, when we write the gospels, better edit out that bit."

'What you did was not only 'wrong' - it was 'wrongedy-wrong-wrong!''

"And to those of you who did contribute to the church fund—our blessings."

"Our records indicate you should be in hell. But since you’ve been married for forty years we’ll count that as time served."

'No offense, but some of these sound a little PREACHY.'

'Can I use your mantra today? - I forgot mine.'

"Thank you for holding, your prayers have advanced in the queue and will be answered by the next available deity."

"Patrick Donovan! It was ten Hail Mary's I was sayin'...not bloody mary's!"

"The way you kept yelling my name I thought you needed help!"

'Okay. Where's the fire?'

"Abigail! Noooooooo!"

Sex and Violence....Hell and Brimstone.

"And my board approved this?"

'Talking about Jesus is NOT name-dropping!'