The Name Is Not Important Gifts

"Mr. Rod, el Cinco de Mayo is not about consumerism. It's a day to celebrate Latino culture, to share with everyone the pride we feel in who we are."

"We evolved from asteroids"

"Just ignore it. It's a mirage."

A man at a cocktail party wears a nametag that reads "Trouble".

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

The next wave

The Church of DanaeDanaeism: 'And let such sacrilege go uncontested? Never! I demand equal time for alternate explanations of things.'

A mathematical question for you. Do we divide or multiply?

Fido and Fifi

"What SPF sunscreen do you suggest for lying around in a sunny spot?"

"I'm subcontracting math, spelling and geography to my smart phone."

Climate Conference. I'm glad you enjoyed my speech, but please don't call it the "high-water mark."

"Hmm. . . Human droppings. . .!"

'And the actual value of the Hubble Constant is critical to the question or whether our Universe will continue to expand forever, or...POP.'

'Well if you don't want the apple, can I tempt you with this?'

'Now we'll have to explain it to the press. Remember - keep it superficial.'

Joseph and the Coat of Many Colors.

'Tusking...one...two...three. Tusking one...two...three...'

I hate it when the moon shows his dark side...

'Take two of these, and call me in the morning!'

'Did you keep a back up in the cloud?'

'You want us to cut WHAT off?'

Research Concludes: We are destroying Earth.

Take two tablets and call me in the morning.

'Quit interrupting me. You were always doing that.'

'Quit calling it an OMG-story, Larry. As I recall, I was the one who got them evicted from Paradise.'

And now it's time for "Critic's Corner." Today, Gene will criticize the basic structure of the universe.

'You never let us do ANYTHING!'

Heaven is unattended...leave your prayers at the sound of the tone.

A star called Gliese 710 is about to pass through our solar system and head straight for earth! Well … by "about to," I mean in about 1.35 million years. And by "through our solar system," I mean through our oort cloud. And by "head straight for earth" I mean it'll pass us by about 13,000 times the distance between the sun and the earth. Is a crowd gathering around me? No. I told you, click-bait headlines only work on the internet.

'Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?'

'This is not what we meant, Snider, when we asked for a thorough study of the laws of gravity.'

"Your favourite and my favourite...whose name escapes me at the moment..."

'Excuse me - I think you're in my seat.'

"Does 'bearing false witness' include ethnic slurs?"