Crypto-conversationalist Gifts

"I thought you said there was intelligent life on Earth? Their communication hasn't progressed beyond basic symbols."

'Yak, yak, yak.'

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

"Oui, c'est bon. It is, how you Americans say, 'Magically Delicious'."

"Do you mind if I bounce something off you?"

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Philosopher's pub with 24 hour thinking.

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

"Every single day, guys ask you for advice about women, work, sports... Haven't you ever even heard of the law of supply and demand?. . .I'd be glad to steer the downtrodden and the forlorn your way for a mere 82% of the man-to-man-talk fee."

"So I misplaced a couple hundred Bitcoin. Maybe the dog ate the wallet. I din't know. S**t happens!"

"Frankly, I just want to talk about how great I am non-stop and uninterrupted for 50 minutes every week on a long term basis."

"I don't mind emotional trauma if I can turn it into a really funny anecdote."

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

"Have you ever actually seen a chicken cross the road?"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

A lesson in wit

"I'm suffering the unbearable loneliness of being right on the internet."

"It was a slow day - my pedometer says I only put in 1, 273, 426 steps."

'I've found taking a sip of another table's wine is an effective conversation starter.'

'He hacked it off because the women in his weekly painting group never stopped gassing!'

Cryptologists Anonymous

'No idea. He's been there for as long as I can remember.'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

'Remember that code we couldn't decipher for seven years? We deciphered it - but do we want to know everything there is to know about rainfall in eastern Peru?'

Cyber Fight

'Dang it! The gals out here leave little to a feller's imagination.'

'But enough about me...Let's talk about you!'

'The secret is to invite good talkers and good listeners and a good laugh track.'

"Sadie, they found a planet orbiting Proxima Centauri. That makes way over 1,000 planets we've discovered in my lifetime." "It must be exciting for you, discovering there are 1,000 worlds full of people who can't possibly know what a doofus you are." "...Unless they've got telescopes." "It is exciting. Now I know how you must've felt when Oog the Caveman discovered Venus." "I see you're bringing what passes for your 'A-game' today."

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'

Bla Bla Bla

'How are you keeping?'