Textual Humorist Pillows

"He won't take our calls or emails? Have you tried sexting him

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Copycats

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

I will study my speling words...

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"You're going to hate yourself."

THE PIED PIPER OF GRAMERCY PARK

"Well, isn't that embarrassing."

Dog Walking Services

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Even the waiters here are organic."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

Outer Space Outsourcing

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Great cruise except the zip lining got flooded."

"But everyone is befuddled by math."

"When is my next parole hearing?"