Text Detective Gifts

'Hey, Bill. When you're done deciphering that terror threat, can you help me figure my kid's text message?'

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

STRIP Hambone: Fix it yourself

My belief is if you're old enough to take texts, counter-texts, and meta-texts in Western Philosophy, you should be old enough to drink.

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

'Mark my word, Walters, this is no ordinary virus.'

"The emoji she used says she loves me..."

Alternative Medicine

Whodunnit. Whoreallydunnit.

'See, dear, you can't believe everything you read. It says so right here on the internet!'

"Your appendix is fine. It's your glossary I'm worried about."

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

"And here is the very stone that finally enabled us to figure out what all those dogs and cats were saying."

The new Physics

Says here the Navy's going to be patrolling the South China Sea. It could spark a history-changing war. Google tells me the last time a Naval conflict changed history, it was the Battle of Midway. You were alive at that time. How awesome was it to already be ancient when Midway happened? I never expected a question like that from a prepubescent stooge like you. Was it as awesome as when you saw Cleopatra lose at the Battle of Actium? I see you're bringing Google's a-game today.

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

I'll be honest, Jerry - When you invited me to join your book club, this is not what I expected.

"Didn't I warn you about buying medication from the internet?!"

Fiction. Mystery. History.

Scouse For Beginners

'I see you both texted that you never talk.'

"By the way, there is only one 'L' in 'over-qualified'."

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

'Psst, buddy -- Apocrypha!'

"I detect an accent – money?"

Locking Up Crime

"If this is secret information the government doesn't want us to know, how come we can read about it on facebook?"

"They'll never guess how we stole their data."

"...then click 'save settings', scroll down to 'done' and voila! You're on Facebook stalking Miriam's daughter's new husband."

Man reading a book in the library. Notices a man next to him reading all book about spying.

"The tweet you posted last night struck a chord around the world, united all factions, and basically altered the course of humanity."

The Darknet starts right here.

"Where's your section of books that tell you simple things you already know?"

I spy with my little eye in the sky …