Tenure Advocate Gifts

"You don't have to worry about ending up here. I have tenure."

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

'Occasionally the Dr. asks me to get real with people.'

'This part was tenure.'

"Try letting the ball come to you."

"I finally got tenure by publishing a research paper funded by a grant about subsidies."

Professor McWit, Didn't Publish, So Perished.

"So tell me more about the dog sitter."

"Professor Van Winkle, the university has instituted Reevaluation of Tenure, time to wake up."

Last Road Rage Therapist for 500 Miles

"Your employees have lost faith in your ability to pretend to care about them."

"Millstone is not yet a full professor."

"I can't stop conducting random security checks."

Washington Crossing the Delaware, Having Been Invited to Join the Faculty at Princeton

'You can never be too fit or too tenured.'

We like to show the endowment to newly tenured professors.

'Talk about lack of trust! My trainer didn't even bet on me, but I showed him: I won the race!'

Crazy Straw. Crazy Straw after therapy

"Be careful, dear. People tend to lose control when faced with the newfound freedom of their first year of tenure."

'Niche apres tenure. Niche before and you're toast.'

"Ten years of therapy, and finally I’ve managed to replace my rage addiction with sarcasm."

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

"It doesn't matter if anyone believes in you. . . what's important is that you believe in yourself!"

"Well, I think you're wonderful."

'I understand your reluctance to speak but your marriage is in a rut and your wife needs your input.'

"I've been evicted."

'Please do not ask for change.'

'Uh, we do have tenure, don't well?

Troop Therapy

"Before I was Socrates, I was Socrates the adjunct professor struggling to get tenure."

'Surely it is no longer legal to include 'deposit of your first-born child'?'

'So tell me, Doctor, how long have you been suffering from these hallucinations?'