Television Talk Shows Gifts

How to break the news that you're gay, without going on the Jerry Springer Show: 'Honey - I'm Homo!'

"Davina McCall: Life at the Extreme takes a celebrity to the most extreme places on Earth!"

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'Come quick: Rin Tin Tin is on TV again...'

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

'Don't let him pick the wine. He thinks Dom Perignon was someone who got knocked off on the Sopranos.'

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

'Has Oprah ever been married?'

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

'Not only will you know everything but I'll see that you get your own talk show.'

"I've had enough of watching grass grow. What's on the Paint Drying Channel?"

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

LATE NIGHT WITH DAVID MAMET

'What TV show do frog princes go on ...?...'

"The real question is whether health care is a basic human right or a bona-fide commercial opportunity."

'Now stay tuned for 'Hope - Myth or Reality', to be followed by 'Reality - Hope or Myth'.'

Jerry Springer of biblical times.

Letterman Show: 'He's always been at my side...the one consonant in my life...'

Dr. Phil takes it home.

You're on "Ask Sadie." What's your problem?! Super delegates. A candidate could win the most votes in the primaries but lose anyway of the superdelegates want someone else! Can you believe that? Oh stop yer sniveling. In my day, the parties chose candidates in smoke-filled backrooms without even pretending the people get a vote. At least this charade gets you out of the house. Gets the blood pumping. I guess.

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

Time Management

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Haywatch

"Agenda item 14 C, does anyone have any idea what happened in Game of Thrones?"