Telephone Humor Fan Pillows

You are on hold. Press One for Vivaldi...

"Do you mean to say that we have both been on hold for half an hour?"

"Yes, I'm alone."

'It's engaged.'

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

Call centre musicians

'Can you do anything else?'

Incontinence Hot Line - 'Please hold.'

'I wish to complain about 'Heavy breathing calls'.'

'Please hold for an eternity...'

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

"I'll have my people call your people."

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"One moment, please, while I put you on character building hold."

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute. Your call will be answered in random order.'

Ahab's Last Call.

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

'Betty? I can't come over; I've got prickly heat rash again.'

'He's busy right now but if it's important I'll wake him.'

"Thank you for calling customer service. Before we start, am I mispronouncing your name correctly?"

I told you before, never call me on this number!

'Hello, you're through to the swine flu advice line. How can I help you?'

Do I have a time to take a quick survey?

'This call may be ignored for sanity assurance.'

'Must be a personal call - she snarls at the customers!'

"OMG! You're still there! I'm going to have to out you on hold again while I figure out another way to get rid of you."

'My Mom was a call girl - and retired after 20 years at the phone company.'

"Hello, is that the Samaritans?"

"Press 8 to be put on hold for what seems like forever...press 9 to phone back tomorrow."

"I'm sorry, you're very faint. Could you pant a bit louder please?"