Telephone Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"One moment, please, while I put you on character building hold."

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute. Your call will be answered in random order.'

"Yes, I'm alone."

"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."

'I won't be taking any more calls today. I threw my phone out the window.'

Call centre musicians

'Can you do anything else?'

Incontinence Hot Line - 'Please hold.'

'I wish to complain about 'Heavy breathing calls'.'

'Please hold for an eternity...'

"You are number 6 in queue for a song that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the day."

You are on hold. Press One for Vivaldi...

"I'll have my people call your people."

'Yes, this is us speaking.'

"In the name of all that is good, I cast thee away from this home...leave these people be!"

Ahab's Last Call.

'Yes we have a J.R. Hartley here.'

"Thank you for calling customer service. Before we start, am I mispronouncing your name correctly?"

Do I have a time to take a quick survey?

'He's busy right now but if it's important I'll wake him.'

I told you before, never call me on this number!

'Betty? I can't come over; I've got prickly heat rash again.'

'Hello, you're through to the swine flu advice line. How can I help you?'

'This call may be ignored for sanity assurance.'

"You'll have to clarify. Do you want to speak to the head of the household or my dad?"

"Thank you for calling the unemployment office. No one can take your call right now, because we've all been laid off."

'Must be a personal call - she snarls at the customers!'

"OMG! You're still there! I'm going to have to out you on hold again while I figure out another way to get rid of you."

'My Mom was a call girl - and retired after 20 years at the phone company.'

"Hello, is that the Samaritans?"

"I'm sorry, you're very faint. Could you pant a bit louder please?"