Teenage Milestone Gifts

The Teen Years of A Red Delicious.

Parenting Wonks

"When I do act my age, you accuse me of being immature!"

Grand. Baby Grand. Toddler Grand. Teen Grand.

"'Baldo, why did you do this?'...'Baldo why did you do that?' The trouble with being a teenager is that nobody understands me! And that includes me."

"This zit is growing way out of control!"

"You know, we're not getting any younger...I mean, pretty soon, we'll both be 16."

'Sire, your new fortress was fine for your nephew's fifth, but I fear it is set for a sterner test.'

"Sign my yearbook?"

'I'm not happy with his latest school photo.'

'Oh Darling, you must be so proud: Your first wart!'

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

Toy Shops and Educated Children

"Here's the baby's first birthday, her second, her third, look at her gifts..."

'Baby's first two-step.'

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

One!

"You're writing a memoir? You're seven years old. Do you honestly think you can capture the interest of readers with such a short—wait, is that my name?!"

How's your nephew doing in human school this year? Great! He has a calculator and spell checker like last year, and this fall new features have been added. With new translation software he can take language classes now, and for social studies he just clicks "history." Bonjour! I'm so proud! He has the school's highest G.P.A.! Other students can't copy off him anymore because he started using encrypted code. His favorite upgrade is the enhanced ability to process school lunches. He's bee

Social Networking.

"As it's your birthday, would you like to go in the Big Chair?"

"Wait! I don't want to be disease resistant!"

"Before you go anywhere, did you lick behind your ears?"

Ogden Nash: 'Middle age is when you've met so many people, that every new person reminds you of someone else.'

"It makes you look old."

'We think he has a future in politics.'

"Charles, look! He’s sending his first text!"

Sparkler

'I think you're ready for the big chair...'

Eagle parenting.

'Have you ever noticed that as you get older, your thin things get thicker and your thick things get thicker?'

'Oh Darling, I'm so proud! I wish I could give you a big hug!'

"Ha! Now no one can call me 'old'! I just overtook a sports car!"

'They're young hares, so it's OK for them to be a bit crazy in March, but thankfully, we've grown out of that!'

You're only young once but apparently there's no limit on childish. (Published originally on January 15, 2008.)